Top 10 Reasons (Closer to 2, Really) I Feel Dumb for Falling for Advertising YET AGAIN

Shown above, an actual image that someone at Microsoft thought we WOULDN’T make fun of.

I don’t know if it’s because Microsoft uses ad agencies, or if it’s because they stopped doing that, brought it all in house, and groupthink led to the aberration above. Whichever bool proves True, I must stop blaming others, and work on myself.

Why do I still fall for advertisements? Especially those that try to predict the future. Oh, you think all ads do that? Really? No, no, mon chéri. They do not. We’ve reached another binary, stay with me this stuff is actually quite easy (people pretend “binary” is hard so they can keep more of the money pile than you, stop falling for it. Don’t even get my going on this Bitcoin nonsense. [If you don’t see what NTFs are, then you’re on your own.])

Back to advertising’s silly crystal ball act. If you believe that all advertisements attempt to predict the future, then you either (binary is just “either, or”, that’s it, easy, right?) then you either haven’t paid attention at all or haven’t paid it the attention it deserves.

Car commercials are simply documenting a product that already exists. Granted, it’s an early prototype, they don’t end up being exactly what you see in the ad. But it’s still the first of its kind, and it already exists. They just film it and ad catchy music. (Thanks again, Sting, really awesome world you helped create here, you greedy, sex maniac. Thirty minutes of sex isn’t enough? You need to pay the tabloids to start rumors that you can do it for four hours? No wonder Stewart and Andy hated you.)

This is where we must stop trusting content. I briefly did some work undercover at a content mill. They paid me $10 for what turned out to be 4 hours at my desk. Call it the opposite outcome of what The 4-Hour Work Week hopes you find. Uber seems to lavish *it’s employees, c’mon stop playing dumb, we all know they’re employees, why do we let rich assholes get away with shit like that* compared to a paltry $10 for 4 hours at my desk.

Most people are getting money in lots of ways. Let’s be real. Side Hustle is just what some marketing agency dad in the suburbs came up with to impress his friends. The people making minimum wage are not all strictly living off just the minimum wage. So they string two jobs together and work 6am to 10pm and never see their kids. Guess what, the same is true of Wall Street men. And guess what, the dudes making minimum wage are probably happier.

Why? Because of their relationships with the women in their lives. Sure, it looks messy from your privileged (stop the presses, how could I tell? You’re on freaking Medium, this is more haughty than The New Yorker.) but they’re closer, better bonded humans. Recall The Savages in Brave New World. Recall McMurphy’s relationship with Ratched in One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest. That’s how minimum wage men relate to their women and how Wall Street men relate to theirs. And it makes all the difference.

Anyhow, back to my content mill. Cut Big Macs some slack. The crap we’re all stuffing into our heads all the time now is far more harmful. You just can’t see it in the form of love handles and cardiac arrest. We keep our mental suffering, in the form of depression, to ourselves. You think there’s a lot of depressed people roaming around? Guess what, most depressed people hide it. Guess what, you can never prove that statement true or false, unless we first educate people. Only then can we ask them for their Truth. (And I have to software to do it.) Let’s try again.

Anyhow, back to my content mill .They paid me $10 for 4 hours of voluntary bondage so that I could go pick at carcasses of other sickly content scattered around the web about, of all things, a new model car. When you read all the various sources you’re scooping from, you realize, man, this car sucks. Yet here I am, just generating cheerful garbage about it, so that people who aren’t even making effort enough to know that CAR COMMERCIALS are NOT trying to predict the future can spend more money thoughtlessly, which is to say, robotically. Microsoft is sure to start featuring robots in its ads very soon. Oh wait, maybe that’s why the two dudes below are dressed that way.

Will you look at this shit? Who wants to work with their colleagues dress up like cartoons. Sure, that would fly some absurd places, like Facebook, but a place building a car like THAT in the a garage like THAT? WTF, these dudes would be sooo cool if they had the balls to try this. Giveaway that this is people who really don’t get how great the future will be — the real men in the room would not still dress like dweebs if they were cool enough to pull off this scene, nor would the suffer cosplay.

When companies like Microsoft start rolling out ads for some HUGE NEW THING (notice, Google rarely does that, they’re not immune to it, Google Glass, and Google Wave to a lesser extent, but they learned from their mistakes and are happy to just continue devouring our culture) we should each put up our guard and enjoy the absurd show. That’s what I realized today. But yesterday? I fell for it. They had to rush to get this ad out ahead of April Fool’s day, or everyone would be certain they had the best one yet of all the supposedly smart tech firms.

Pause here in Microsoft, for a second, just in case you haven’t also been covering them for four decades. See, Microsoft is an old man. It is unhip. So it still does what all unhip old men try to do — buy coolness. Buy cred. (That’s why Biden-Harris is so completely adorable. Everyone relax, they’re both in on it. She’s the edgy-cool daughter-in-law most old men never have in their lives. [A huge loss for them. Big loss. Big. Huge!] Biden got the dream son-in-law experience for eight years. He’s got that going for him.)

Why am I picking on Microsoft? Because they’re so enormously part of the problem. You know they’re going to buy Discord? It’s their most egregious money-for-coolness transaction in a while. (Keep in mind, they tried buying Facebook, and now Facebook pulls the same old-man-in-an-unhip-whiteboy-body routine that Gates lived off of all through the 80s and milked in the 90s. Same playbook. Thanks Bill. You and Sting can go fuck each other for four hours.)

I’m just sick of it all. All the noise. All the bullshit. All the supposed experts. Do you know what this country needs less of? Experts. I’m not talking Fauci (people, he doesn’t claim to be an expert, he just represents the experts. You always need a sharp, humble, public servant to process the work of experts, and hopefully to call bullshit on them. He did fail to do that assertively enough with Trumpshaker. [“It’s called the Trumpshaker, the beats is like sweeter than candy… All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom” (not true, so sick of Zoom, more sick of Zoom than Trump talk.)])

Bill gates is writing books about how to save the Earth, when his company has an advertising budget bigger than Mars. The ads, if they were like car commercials, would not be so offensive. Their absurd predictions about what they can build (oh yeah, people, this shit doesn’t exist, at all, they call it “vaporware” on my planet) and help out the humans upon whom they feed.

Like I said at the start. I must stop blaming others, and work on myself. I’ve been doing that. Slowly. Painfully. And I’m making progress. And now that I’ve made some progress, I need to try to help others. Anyone out there who is suffering mentally. I don’t think we need to. Let’s talk. Let’s chat. Hit me up somewhere. I sincerely want to help. Yes, someday I hope to make a living off of this, somehow, but I’m not sure how. My motivation is to help. If you think I fail you in that aim, just cut ties with me. What ties? None, we haven’t even met yet!

See how I think ads should look? Guess how little the above cost me. Yes, it runs on Microsoft servers, somewhere along the chain. YOU’RE ALREADY GETTING PAID ENOUGH, Microsoft. You don’t have to waste my days with this.

Microsoft, stop trying to get us to strap screens to our faces. Have a heart. This woman can actually do fewer things above than she could with an iPad. You’re just thinking… well if Apple’s going to start getting people to put things over their eyes, we’d better get their first. Make all screens 100% recyclable, now that’s something we’d love you for, old man.

I do not want that joke in my head. Admit it’s a joke, and I will laugh with you, sure. Keep clogging our airwaves with this, and I’ll give you the GameStop treatment. Oh you know I will. And you know I’ll win. Forget this mesh nonsense. Pour your money into making all screens 100% recyclable! Now that’s something we’d love you for, old man.

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Neddy Bly

Neddy Bly

Middle-aged, possibly insane, lover of moments, THRILLED to finally feel alive. Obsessed with the constellation of bights (binary lights) between people’s ears.