Sex. Yup. Isn’t it always only ever about that?
Men’s minds, at root, fall somewhere between the following two poles (pardon the giggle-inducing term, it references “polarity” and “polar opposites”, but men, again, understandably, first think of their own favorite pole.)
[Warning, if you have a heart condition do not scroll down, and certainly don’t check out BOTH photos, that would be excessive.]
Which do you prefer? Doesn’t matter your gender, which do you prefer? You don’t need to comment, I’ve been measuring your scroll and know the one you hovered over longer. And guess what — I’m with you. I can’t get enough of that pic. But the real secret I keep to myself and would never tell the humans physically in my life (the rest of you are mentally in my life, that shit matters now, old people don’t want to admit it [really they can’t comprehend it, and it’s leading to dementia]) is that I want them both. I am a woman who does not “like women”, per say, but damn would I like one night in a Starwood Elite room, plush feather sheets, with Heather and M. (One is always a Heather, the other one is too wise to reveal her real name.)
I spent a lot of time nake in bed in Starwood properties. All of you travelling consultants out there, the Big Four alone are over a million strong. We are almost all, to the person, cheating on our spouses, partners, significant others, whatever the institution of monogamy has transformed into, we are cheating on it. All the time. AND IT’S FUN.
When I was 33, and my body was at its absolute physical peak, I’m talking I morphed into one of those women who walks into a room and KNOWS to the person I will have all eyes on me. Male or female.
And my career took off. Here’s where you all start fighting over things. But don’t get distracted. It actually gets more fun than you can imagine.
Here are the highlights if you want to forget the fact that my body changed my career:
- Sleep my way to the top, having the greatest time of my life (you only get mad at me cuz you can’t do it)
- Start only sleeping with men on boards (both their in-home saunas, usually while wife and kids are out of town) and men on corporate boards
- I parlay my pussy (sincerest apologies, I am a SUCKER for aliteration [and thick…. bankrolls. Bankrolls, what did YOU think I was going to say?] into better than boards, an early investor in Palantir
- You would think this would be a conflict of interest Accenture + Palantir is not to be encouraged, but, there it was
- The early 10’s then became absurdly easy, probably not dissimilar to how Kim and Kanye spend most days — cars, planes, yachts, meals, all paid for by fellow absurdly wealthy trying to win you over onto their side, we’re told we have to get on this Bitcoin scam, it’s the best one yet that our peers have devised
- We divorce, I am absurdly wealthy because of IPOs and ICOs. My husband SPAC-ed off right before I sprung the papers on him, he did not see it coming, thank God he did not because it added another 200m to the settlement.
All because I was the hottest girl in the room at age 33, and never would have made it that far if not for legalized abortion.
PART II — Coming Soon!